"Our personal demons come in many guises. We experience them as shame, as jealousy, as abandonment, as rage. They are anything that makes us so uncomfortable that we continually run away." -- Pema Chodron
I don't normally think of myself as a control freak. But I like things to happen a certain way. I rely on a rough outline of my schedule, plans, and relationships. I have a routine for waking up and a routine for going to bed. Although I have a basic spread that I follow, I consciously change it up occasionally and everything can still roll smoothly along. I love to spend time by myself where I can learn and explore ways that I have grown and withered. In solitude I am able to pick up the things I love about myself that I may have temporarily set down. Sometimes in my alone time I will read, write, or knit. I am also quite fond of daydreaming or even napping. From the depths of my heart I enjoy quality time with my friends whether there are 10 of us or 2 of us. I will laugh until tears are squeezed from my eyes and words are no longer needed for our conversation. I listen intently and speak very openly. I hear thoughts from another perspective and it is as though someone finally gave life to the deadened areas of life's hazy situations. However, I ultimately choose when I am in a process, with a friend or by myself.
Today, I made an astounding observation. I was suddenly overwhelmed by abandonment. I was blind sided by the fact that I craved the affection of my friends and house mates and there was no one around for me to bounce off of. I was fully immersed in the company of myself and I wanted nothing less than a distraction! My mind bounced from one situation to the next and before I knew it I'd contrived many a dramatic tale in my head about my life, how everyone in it viewed me and how every relationship I am in would turn out. Then, I threw a pity party. I was frustrated and felt as though I'd been betrayed. So many times I have chosen to fly solo and it serves me, but once the situation chose me I became chaotic and resistant.
I am now exhausted from an entire day of mental struggling. "Do something productive... you could do this or that... enjoy yourself.... think of someone else... you should do this, and shouldn't do that..." and all of the other thoughts I tend to regurgitate when I feel uncomfortable. Today I have dealt with the guise of abandonment. Still as I write this, I see you reading my words and am envisioning our relationship. Yet another way to continue running...
