Forgiveness: A Practice and A Playlist

A lot of our fear arises out of our obstinacy surrounding forgiveness. Carrying guilt, shame and grudges weigh heavier on our spirits than it punishes the individual that we are intending to hurt. This is where the practice of ahimsa or nonviolence comes into play. Even the aggression of our thoughts and egos can create dis-ease in our bodies and brains. Like most humans, I find it most difficult to forgive myself; whether it be something small like leaving the almond milk out on the counter or something larger like hurting a friend or loved one. I carry guilt and shame which then creeps out of my thoughts and into my physical body. When I am feeling most violent in my thoughts, I get dark circles under my eyes, an upset stomach and I become excessively tired. I make up stories of how I should be punished and someone should find me and make me pay in some form or another. I have also held long standing grudges against people I have claimed to love judging them for a way that they made me feel, the time they abandoned me or took something from me making me feel like a small person and so on and so forth. 

I began to write letters. This is an ongoing process- you will never write one letter or one list and expect that everything will be fixed. I write letters to myself asking for forgiveness because of... and I am very detailed and descriptive about my emotions and the way that I physically feel when I hold grudges. I also write letters to people forgiving them, even if it is the old man who flipped me off in traffic or the friend who ditched me on my birthday. I write a detailed description of how they made me feel and how the violence has invaded my thoughts and hurts me more than them. 95% of the time I don't even deliver my letters. I write them in my common-place-book and read them over and over again until I experience a full range of emotions around the words and then that is all they are. A simple clutter of words, on a page, in a book that I will have forever and hold very dear to my heart. I still get angry sometimes, upset, frustrated and judgemental; I am human. Some situations take more work than others. We are forever learning about ourselves this is a lifelong process to clean our spirits and start over with healthier, more loving thoughts. 

I made this playlist with just that in mind. I hope that you have enjoyed it and that you will find enlightenment through your forgiveness!

The Heart of the Matter- India.Arie

Amazing- Josh Kelley

Come On Get Higher- Matt Nathanson

One Step Closer- Michael Franti and Spearhead

On My Mind - Kalai

Gotta Have You- The Weepies

You Found Me (Acoustic Version) - The Fray

One Of Those Days - Joshua Radin

Winter Song - Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson

Cannonball- Damien Rice

The Well (Demo)- A Fine Frenzy 

I Can't Help Falling In Love- Ingrid Michaelson

Just thinking about fear...

"Fear is that sensation that makes you grab tightly to your seat. It's the feeling that makes your stomach turn and your hands shake and your heart race. It's the feeling of having no idea what's next... It is also an attachment to the material world, to your physical being, to a reality that is illusory and temporary. This is because nothing in the material world, not even our bodies, is around forever."-- Evan Cooper (Um, Like...OM)

Who needs a mug?

"Let's go down to the east river and throw something in, something we can't live with out, in other words let's start again."-- Ani DiFranco

My first thought of the morning: I think we should drink espresso out of wine glasses and wine out of mugs. Isn't it amazing the rules that we live by. All of the things that collectively we have decided should go together and should not. Where do all of these boundaries come from and who exactly has the authority to dictate which glass we drink what out of? So this morning I had a glass of espresso and this evening I will probably have a mug of wine. Maybe you are thinking that your yoga teacher friend should not drink espresso or wine... 

It reminds me of a joke, " A chicken and an egg are having sex. All of the sudden the egg lights up a cigarette and says, "Guess that solves that."

I hope you break at least one boundary today!

A Rainbow

There are times when my spirit feels zapped. I try to hide from the things that serve me the most. I run to other people to make my decisions and solve my problems. I run to my bed to dream that my situation is an altered reality. I run to a movie or a book to change my point of view or pretend I am someone else. I scramble around and shift and fidget and the only place I can find comfort is on my yoga mat. Still that is negotiable since my hips are so darn tight with the storage of unexpressed emotions. I gain some sense of clarity on my mat then run again to some hidden haven banishing the me that I have grown to love and ignore so well. I have been practicing yoga for 9 years this year. Still it is the same cycle every time that it happens. I have expectations, guilt, sadness and loneliness. I pass judgement and cry then laugh at myself and cry again. I learn so much every single time and somewhere in that muscle of my brain my ego says, "Don't worry, you are all fixed. It will never happen again." Ha! Right.

I have learned that in order to truly experience the process of being blissful and melancholy one must mindfully neglect placing a positive or negative label on the words and the emotions that attach themselves with the state of being. To witness: when I feel melancholy, my throat feels like it is in my stomach, my pulse seems like it has no agenda and I cry a lot- sometimes for no reason, sometimes for every reason. I feel lonely- more specifically- I feel like I want to be held then left alone, then held again. To witness: when I feel blissful my throat feels like it is in between my eyeballs, my heart beats wildly to the tops of my ears all the way down to the tips of my toes and I am happy. I smile a lot sometimes for no reason sometimes for every reason. I feel like I am held - more specifically that I am so safe I want to hold everyone else. 

Obviously as humans we crave satisfaction and security. We want and ache until we are taken care of or until we can take care of someone else. Isn't all this the human condition? What happens if we are able to observe ourselves without any attachment or without taking everything personally, as if we are simply characters in a story that we already know has a happy ending? 

I was riding in my car and thought about my connection with God. I smiled, took a left at the light and above my street was the most illuminated, perfectly arched rainbow I have ever witnessed. I gasped, or maybe I squealed. I turned away to grab my camera, and once I'd turned back it had vanished. Grateful that I'd witnessed such an amazing rarity once more I realized that this is all so temporary.