A Rainbow

There are times when my spirit feels zapped. I try to hide from the things that serve me the most. I run to other people to make my decisions and solve my problems. I run to my bed to dream that my situation is an altered reality. I run to a movie or a book to change my point of view or pretend I am someone else. I scramble around and shift and fidget and the only place I can find comfort is on my yoga mat. Still that is negotiable since my hips are so darn tight with the storage of unexpressed emotions. I gain some sense of clarity on my mat then run again to some hidden haven banishing the me that I have grown to love and ignore so well. I have been practicing yoga for 9 years this year. Still it is the same cycle every time that it happens. I have expectations, guilt, sadness and loneliness. I pass judgement and cry then laugh at myself and cry again. I learn so much every single time and somewhere in that muscle of my brain my ego says, "Don't worry, you are all fixed. It will never happen again." Ha! Right.

I have learned that in order to truly experience the process of being blissful and melancholy one must mindfully neglect placing a positive or negative label on the words and the emotions that attach themselves with the state of being. To witness: when I feel melancholy, my throat feels like it is in my stomach, my pulse seems like it has no agenda and I cry a lot- sometimes for no reason, sometimes for every reason. I feel lonely- more specifically- I feel like I want to be held then left alone, then held again. To witness: when I feel blissful my throat feels like it is in between my eyeballs, my heart beats wildly to the tops of my ears all the way down to the tips of my toes and I am happy. I smile a lot sometimes for no reason sometimes for every reason. I feel like I am held - more specifically that I am so safe I want to hold everyone else. 

Obviously as humans we crave satisfaction and security. We want and ache until we are taken care of or until we can take care of someone else. Isn't all this the human condition? What happens if we are able to observe ourselves without any attachment or without taking everything personally, as if we are simply characters in a story that we already know has a happy ending? 

I was riding in my car and thought about my connection with God. I smiled, took a left at the light and above my street was the most illuminated, perfectly arched rainbow I have ever witnessed. I gasped, or maybe I squealed. I turned away to grab my camera, and once I'd turned back it had vanished. Grateful that I'd witnessed such an amazing rarity once more I realized that this is all so temporary.