Reflection of Commitment

"For me, as I look back, being a poet came after committing to speak though I had no idea what I needed to say, and the grace of being loved has come into my life after admitting freely that I wanted to love though I wasn't sure how." --Mark Nepo

Tears. And there are times when words are not enough. They sit there on my bottom lid. Simply because I am scared and alive. I am tired. The cycle of commitment has worn me thin and frayed the frail edges of my heart. With all the best intentions we approach the concept of commitment- it sounds like a great idea. But what happens when timing is off and there are tears in our eyes? I set my hands flat and commit pressure in my index finders, lean forward and my knees lift right into my armpits. Bakasana. Crow Pose. When I can not commit to someone else's arms, I can always hold myself.

Your soul

"Here I am, 

I'm waiting for a better day, 

a second chance, 

a little love to come my way. 

I hope to dream, 

I hope that I can sleep again

and wake in a world 

with clear conscience and clean hands, 

cause all that you have is your soul. 

Don't be tempted by the shiny apple, 

don't you eat the forbidden fruit. 

Hunger only for a taste of justice, 

hunger only for a word of truth 

cause all that you have is your soul."

-- Tracy Chapman

Gather everything that you are- right now. Draw it all into your center and allow it to flood every aspect of your life that you fear. We dash from moment to moment collecting everyone else's opinions and living by everyone else's standards. Whose life are you living right now? A trickle of sweat rolls over my eyebrow and for the first time this week I feel like I am my own best friend. I separate my feet to the width of MY two fists, lift my heart out of my hips and drop my crown to my ankles. Utanasana, a simple forward fold. All of my beauty seeps from my soul and pools between my arches while I wrap my forearms gratefully around my calves. This is the only thing I am clinging to at this moment; ten fingers wrapped around sore ankles and I am the closest thing to me at this moment.

 

Broken Hearts

"I just wanna feel today- feel today- feel today 

I just wanna feel something today... 

open me up and you will see I am a gallery of broken hearts 

I'm beyond repair so let me be 

and give me back my broken parts.... 

I just wanna know today- know today- know today

know that maybe I will be ok."

--Ingrid Michaelson

We walk around every day protecting ourselves and we have become so accustomed to our shields that we no longer even notice how heavy they are. They create such a weight in our lives that we watch what we say and edit what we feel; our attempts to not to bulge behind the protective cover. At times we are so incredibly full of everything unspoken that really we feel empty, loneliness intrudes and our egos plays the "I'm not good enough" card. We forget about life and instead participate in the game, the bob and weave, the dodge and cover, the haggle and barter. When does it cease? Well, when we get our hearts broken. 

There is a common misunderstanding that a broken heart is a bad thing. I am not a masochist nor am I cynical toward love. But I believe that the most valuable expressions of love can shine through us as results of a broken heart. Imagine if you had never been hurt- not knowing the pain of loss could you ever fully douse yourself with love? I bathe my spirit with laughter every single day and when I feel I am fully experiencing my friendships, being honest with myself about what I really deserve and staying present with my actions a broken heart does not seem so bad. 

"I am a gallery of broken hearts," Ingrid Michaelson says, but aren't we all? This is what makes our experience so unique. Today I removed the metal from my "broken heart" again. It has happened a few times during an amazing heart opening asana practice when I am unattached to toying with the wounds at my center. I set my knees at hip's width, wrap my shoulders behind me and slide into ustrasana, camel pose. Like an amazing fountain my heart floods open, my eyes swell, and my ego screams, "close the gate!" I simply breathe deeper. I am walking through the gallery staring in amazement at the beauty that a broken heart can create- colors are smeared, lights brighten and even my pores cry with excitement as tears and sweat stream down my cheeks.

However Painful- I Fancy Falling

"This cycle never ends, you've got to fall in order to mend" -- Joshua Radin

I watch. You start to fall and get frustrated. With soggy spirits you exhale and fold. Then paying no attention to how you will get there, what will come first or follow softly and cautiously behind, you fix yourself back into position. Rigid breastplate, locked knees and you don't even know what you are seeing through your own eyes. What happened to the process? What happened in that space in between falling and returning to where you think you should be stuck? In such a small moment the whole world was yours and you passed it along like a second helping of mashed potatoes.

I watch. You start to teeter and isolate yourself. You inhale and float. Your heart melts like a tablet in water. For just a moment I can almost see through your eyes a fluid translation of everything that no one thinks matters, everything that is real. You spill forward and rinse your heart with truth. Then fill yourself gradually with light from the center of your heel to the tip of your nose. I have never seen anything so powerful before. For almost five minutes the whole world was yours and you basked in it like the summer sun.

I watch. We begin all over again. You and I. Barely acknowledging each other yet making this moment together.




***Get your tickets, Missy Higgins and Joshua Radin will be at the Crystal Ballroom on Wednesday night. Ingrid Michaelson will be at the Wonder Ballroom (NE Russell) on the 11th. I would love to catch up with you there- if you are going to go, post a comment or shoot me an email so I know to look for you!***