Fear.less.yoga

Yoga has made me fearless. Not to say that I have no fears, I just fear less. I used to approach each day holding my breath anticipating the pinch, the poke, the stumble, thus manifesting more pinching, poking, and falls. I talked less fearing what others would think and thought more creating judgments about the people who would judge what I was thinking. I was afraid to make friends, scared that I would be exposed by them then our trust broken and another shattered relationship on my resume of life. What I didn't realize is that this will happen whether you hide or not, we all change and can't predict where our friendships will go when growth takes over.

My practice deepened and so did my awareness, when I was in the pain I could watch it and when I was through the pain, I still thought of what it was like but I began to focus more on the moment and what kind of joy it contained. I started to call myself out, "why are you having these thoughts," or "Lauren, you don't even know this person." This in no way makes me perfect, I've just woken up. It is not easy work.

I have done plenty of things that I would not brag about, things that I could make excuses about, "that was out of character," or "I wasn't in my right state of mind," or "that was not a mindful decision..." Sure we make 'mistakes,' we hurt other people, occasionally we break trust in some fashion or another, but without doing what I have done, without going where I have gone I would not have nurtured my ability to forgive and to love unconditionally. It is at this point that those we have cultivated relationships with are either there loving unconditionally along side us, practicing forgiveness or they bail.

I still hurt at times, but everything is way more simple than I ever thought it was before. I am brought back to the first tactic of analyzing scenes in a play, "Where is the love in this moment?" Ultimately that is what it all comes down to. Courage is the ability to see your fear and bring yourself back to the present moment; finding the love and the joy of each second. Even if it is simply the delight in your ability to feel pain.

"We have fallen down again tonight,
In this world it's hard to get it right,
Trying to make your heart fit like a glove,
What it needs is love, love, love...
Everybody, everybody, everybody wants to love
Everybody, everybody, everybody wants to be loved."

"Happy is the heart that still feels pain,
Darkness strains and light will come again,
Swing open up your chest and let it in.
Let the love, love, love begin."

--Ingrid Michaelson

Open up.

Life changes so rapidly. We are in one place and time seems to be dragging on and then we are somewhere else all of the sudden. Hang on and enjoy the ride. Keep your eyes open so you don't miss anything. Learn from the "great times" and the "trying times." Open your heart to receive the lessons of life- easy and tough. This will all be over before you know it.

when is enough?

We sit around and daydream about more, enough, or something else. We are all we ever really need. We hear opinions and allow them mold us or destroy us, why do we give them so much power? We seek money, love, peace and attention when we already are the most important thing in our own world. We are the wealth, we are the abundant source of love and infinite fountain of peace. It is these opinions in conjunction with our ego that fogs the lens of our mind's eye, clouding our judgement and sending us to external comfort. It is here that we get lost, hiking deeper into book after book, shopping spree after shopping spree, class after class or from comfort food to comfort food. When it gets so cloudy life is jaded and dull. There is no attention outward that is of any positive notion because there is no attention inward. We waste days, weeks, and months sprinting around in avoidance of what is really going on. We turn off our ability to hear. To speak. And at the unfortunate expense of ourselves and others our innate ability to love is ceased and guarded. We are just too lazy and scared to look inside to truly see what is going on. We speak to ourselves in the harsh tones of lectures and criticisms; screaming that we are never enough and can't do anything right. When is enough enough when we have the mindset that there could always be more?? Soften. Speak kindly to yourself. You are everything that you have been seeking for so long.

Backflips

Here I am teetering on the edge of effort and surrender. I am being tested quite a bit as of recently. I know it is good for me but there is that little, ok rather LOUD voice in my head screaming at me to resist. Welcome to the ego. I stretch my hips and they get tight again. I rinse my shoulders and they get sore again. I meditate, but my mind once again entertains itself with thought after tension enhancing thought. When did my ego get so big?! I don't remember the incessant chatter being so loud. Now I am questioning if I am taking on too much or just taking everything way too seriously. But if I don't take it seriously, will it ever get accomplished? Am I complaining right now?

So- here I sit wondering what to do next. Practice, meditate, or work more.....

wow! it's been awhile!

Life gains momentum and we are tossed into the depth of action like ships in an angry sea. Dizzy and tired I write because I love to and I have missed the escape that words present... more later today. xo

A playlist on compassion

Love is the observation and acceptance of what is right now.
Hey Ya- Obadiah Parker
Therapy - India.Arie
Say Hey (I love you) - Michael Franti and Spearhead
One Life - Kalai
Calling All Cars- Sean Hayes
More Than A Melody - Anna Nalick
Falling is Like This- Ani DiFranco
Divide Me- Kalai
Hey Love- Chris O'Brien
The Chain- Ingrid Michaelson
You Had Time- Ani DiFranco

Our Most Complicated Practice

"The pollution of the planet is only an outward reflection of an inner psychic pollution: millions of the unconscious individuals not taking responsibility for their inner space... How do you drop a piece of hot coal that you are holding in your hand? How do you drop some heavy and useless baggage that you are carrying? By recognizing that you don't want to suffer the pain or carry the burden any more and then letting go of it. " -- Eckhart Tolle "The Power of Now"


I would have to say that Forgiveness is our most complicated practice. We could spend an entire year focusing on it and never master it. We form our identification around our past and what we have been through, what we like and don't like, who we resonate with and who we don't. We label ourselves based upon when we have forgiven ourselves and others and when we have been unable to. Participating all along in the tale of "My past made me who I am today..." No, you woke up as who you are today perhaps still clinging tightly to all of your issues of yesterday or possibly practicing forgiveness. I must frequently remind myself of forgiveness. Whether it is because I forgot to breathe in an asana or because I forgot to walk the dog. Who can you forgive? Today I read this in class it is from "Words of Wisdom for Women" but really it can apply to anyone.


FORGIVE
Experience the power of forgiveness.
Say I forgive you, and mean it. Forgive
everyone who wronged you. Forgive
him for breaking your heart. Forgive
her for telling everyone your deepest secret. Forgive them both.
Forgive yourself for being human, for
not knowing all the answers all the
time. Once and for all, for the sake of
your own sanity, forgive. Let the
sweet and simple rain of forgiveness wash over you.
Ask for forgiveness, offer forgiveness
Somewhere find the inner depth to
forgive the man who raped, to
forgive the woman who killed, to
forgive the friend who betrayed a loving trust.
For life, for love, for peace forever;
for you, for them, forgive.
-- Rachel Snyder