Walking Backwards

The whole crowd is walking backwards, while I walk forward peering into their eyes. The only thing I can say is that I give thanks every day for my perspective even if it is different, at least it feels authentic to me. However I keep tripping over their shoe laces... 

"I cherish your ears"

Thank you, Kendall for sharing such a silly and significant poem!

"I cherish your ears"

Dear Pilgrim, 

I love your shoes, your coat

your pants, your hat, your furry head,

your cup, your bowl,

your messy closets,  ;)

and most of all- I cherish your cute ears.

Why? Don't ask!

Just speak what you love about me.

Come closer if you are feeling

a little timid today

or dense

Because surely you would find something 

very endearing about Hafiz.

Then we can pass many years

Talking so silly, 

like two highly advanced aspirants-

like two emancipated holy vagrants

who share His bottle

of truth

and feeling so damn good

and drunk and free.

--  Hafiz

The Bliss Beneath

We refuse to see the bliss beneath us;

Beneath our noses, our lips, our tongues,

Beneath our ribcages-

The daily flow and pulse.

We rely, depend on and demand the contentment

Of another's heartbeat and breath

When we can not even appreciate our own.

Running from my skin

"Our personal demons come in many guises. We experience them as shame, as jealousy, as abandonment, as rage. They are anything that makes us so uncomfortable that we continually run away." -- Pema Chodron

I don't normally think of myself as a control freak. But I like things to happen a certain way. I rely on a rough outline of my schedule, plans, and relationships. I have a routine for waking up and a routine for going to bed. Although I have a basic spread that I follow, I consciously change it up occasionally and everything can still roll smoothly along. I love to spend time by myself where I can learn and explore ways that I have grown and withered. In solitude I am able to pick up the things I love about myself that I may have temporarily set down. Sometimes in my alone time I will read, write, or knit. I am also quite fond of daydreaming or even napping. From the depths of my heart I enjoy quality time with my friends whether there are 10 of us or 2 of us. I will laugh until tears are squeezed from my eyes and words are no longer needed for our conversation. I listen intently and speak very openly. I hear thoughts from another perspective and it is as though someone finally gave life to the deadened areas of life's hazy situations. However, I ultimately choose when I am in a process, with a friend or by myself. 

Today, I made an astounding observation. I was suddenly overwhelmed by abandonment. I was blind sided by the fact that I craved the affection of my friends and house mates and there was no one around for me to bounce off of. I was fully immersed in the company of myself and I wanted nothing less than a  distraction! My mind bounced from one situation to the next and before I knew it I'd contrived many a dramatic tale in my head about my life, how everyone in it viewed me and how every relationship I am in would turn out. Then, I threw a pity party. I was frustrated and felt as though I'd been betrayed. So many times I have chosen to fly solo and it serves me, but once the situation chose me I became chaotic and resistant. 

I am now exhausted from an entire day of mental struggling. "Do something productive... you could do this or that... enjoy yourself.... think of someone else... you should do this, and shouldn't do that..." and all of the other thoughts I tend to regurgitate when I feel uncomfortable. Today I have dealt with the guise of abandonment. Still as I write this, I see you reading my words and am envisioning our relationship. Yet another way to continue running... 

Reflection of Commitment

"For me, as I look back, being a poet came after committing to speak though I had no idea what I needed to say, and the grace of being loved has come into my life after admitting freely that I wanted to love though I wasn't sure how." --Mark Nepo

Tears. And there are times when words are not enough. They sit there on my bottom lid. Simply because I am scared and alive. I am tired. The cycle of commitment has worn me thin and frayed the frail edges of my heart. With all the best intentions we approach the concept of commitment- it sounds like a great idea. But what happens when timing is off and there are tears in our eyes? I set my hands flat and commit pressure in my index finders, lean forward and my knees lift right into my armpits. Bakasana. Crow Pose. When I can not commit to someone else's arms, I can always hold myself.

Your soul

"Here I am, 

I'm waiting for a better day, 

a second chance, 

a little love to come my way. 

I hope to dream, 

I hope that I can sleep again

and wake in a world 

with clear conscience and clean hands, 

cause all that you have is your soul. 

Don't be tempted by the shiny apple, 

don't you eat the forbidden fruit. 

Hunger only for a taste of justice, 

hunger only for a word of truth 

cause all that you have is your soul."

-- Tracy Chapman

Gather everything that you are- right now. Draw it all into your center and allow it to flood every aspect of your life that you fear. We dash from moment to moment collecting everyone else's opinions and living by everyone else's standards. Whose life are you living right now? A trickle of sweat rolls over my eyebrow and for the first time this week I feel like I am my own best friend. I separate my feet to the width of MY two fists, lift my heart out of my hips and drop my crown to my ankles. Utanasana, a simple forward fold. All of my beauty seeps from my soul and pools between my arches while I wrap my forearms gratefully around my calves. This is the only thing I am clinging to at this moment; ten fingers wrapped around sore ankles and I am the closest thing to me at this moment.

 

Broken Hearts

"I just wanna feel today- feel today- feel today 

I just wanna feel something today... 

open me up and you will see I am a gallery of broken hearts 

I'm beyond repair so let me be 

and give me back my broken parts.... 

I just wanna know today- know today- know today

know that maybe I will be ok."

--Ingrid Michaelson

We walk around every day protecting ourselves and we have become so accustomed to our shields that we no longer even notice how heavy they are. They create such a weight in our lives that we watch what we say and edit what we feel; our attempts to not to bulge behind the protective cover. At times we are so incredibly full of everything unspoken that really we feel empty, loneliness intrudes and our egos plays the "I'm not good enough" card. We forget about life and instead participate in the game, the bob and weave, the dodge and cover, the haggle and barter. When does it cease? Well, when we get our hearts broken. 

There is a common misunderstanding that a broken heart is a bad thing. I am not a masochist nor am I cynical toward love. But I believe that the most valuable expressions of love can shine through us as results of a broken heart. Imagine if you had never been hurt- not knowing the pain of loss could you ever fully douse yourself with love? I bathe my spirit with laughter every single day and when I feel I am fully experiencing my friendships, being honest with myself about what I really deserve and staying present with my actions a broken heart does not seem so bad. 

"I am a gallery of broken hearts," Ingrid Michaelson says, but aren't we all? This is what makes our experience so unique. Today I removed the metal from my "broken heart" again. It has happened a few times during an amazing heart opening asana practice when I am unattached to toying with the wounds at my center. I set my knees at hip's width, wrap my shoulders behind me and slide into ustrasana, camel pose. Like an amazing fountain my heart floods open, my eyes swell, and my ego screams, "close the gate!" I simply breathe deeper. I am walking through the gallery staring in amazement at the beauty that a broken heart can create- colors are smeared, lights brighten and even my pores cry with excitement as tears and sweat stream down my cheeks.